FUNNIES

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look mate, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said,

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."

"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."

His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"

"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing

BLONDE MEN DO EXIST

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks: "Why in the world are you dressed
like that?"

The cowboy says: "Well, it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red-head asks me to
go out to her motor home with her, so I did. We go inside and she pulls
off her top and she asks me to take off my shirt, which I did. Then she
pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then
she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says:
'Now go to town cowboy. . . . '

And here I am."
SO. . . BLONDE MEN DO EXIST.

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A near by fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred quid."
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred quid?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

One day a man came home and was greeted
by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied her up and went fishing.

Mike went fishing down at Meadow lakes one day. He looked down to the side of his swim and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.
But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked in his bag, but he had no food. All he had was a hip flask of scotch. So he opened the flask and gave the snake a few sips.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the Mike was happy to have performed such a good deed. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes later and he felt something knock against the side of his box. With stunned disbelief, he looked down and saw the snake was back with two more frogs!

Tony Blair started jogging near Chequers.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Fiver!"
One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd
really been doing on all his past outings.
He knew he'd better have a damn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the tart. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the pavement, the tart yelled,

"See what you get for a fiver!!

TACKLE DEALER

A woman goes into a tackle dealers to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is an assistant standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's £20." She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realises that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be £25.50." She asks, "But didn't you say it was £20?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is £20, the duck call is £3, and the stink bait is £2.50!"

FOR THE LOVE OF ANGLING

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place. First guy: " You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: " that's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: " Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. " What's the deal?" Fourth guy: " I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, " Fishing or Sex" and she said, " Wear a Sweater."

Tall Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing
in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that Is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say....
If you farted just touching it...

you're going to sh!t yourself when you hear the price."

Tiger Woods in Ireland

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose? Asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Two old fishermen were sitting on a bridge catching a few roach when a hearse went by. The first man put down his rod and removed his hat. After the hearse was gone his friend said "Bill that was real nice showing respect for the dead like that". To which Bill replied "It was the least I could do, we would have been married 40 years next month".

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof! the wish was granted. All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"SHIT!" He exclaimed. "Now we have to piss in the boat!"

-----------------------

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off fishing from his boat when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that a guy was coming round to fix the washing machine. So Bob gets out the mobie and phones home.

''Hello?'' says his little girl's voice.
''Hi, darling, it's Daddy,'' says Bob. ''Is Mummy near the phone?''

''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says, ''But you haven't got an Uncle Frank!''
''Yes, I have, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mum!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. ''Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s dead on the front lawn.''
''Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?''
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into our swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took all the water out, so he hit the bottom of the pool and now he's dead too.''

Fish don't compare you to other fishermen and don't want to know how many other fish you’ve had.

You can catch and release a fish; you don't have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

You can catch a fish on a 90P night light. If you want to catch a woman you're talking dinner and a movie minimum.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of a session.

What's the difference between a fairy tale and a fish story?
Well a fairy tail begins, "Once upon a time..." and a fish story begins, " This ain't no bullshit..."

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.

WOMEN'S VERSION:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish - and you've got the whole weekend to yourself

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tyre outside a monastery.

A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.

Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

A couple went on holiday to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn;
the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the Water bailiff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself,
"Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to
take you in and fill out a report."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the
irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the bailiff.

"Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment ..."

A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Who are you --- God?" The voice replied, "NO, I OWN THE BLOODY ICE-RINK!"

Three Men And A Baby" - What you get when four men go fishing and one comes home having not caught anything.